It's All Your Fault

“The trouble is not really in being alone, it’s being lonely. One can be lonely in the midst of a crowd, don’t you think?” — Christine Feehan

Invisible. A word I often use to describe myself when I'm alone in my darker moments. A word echoed every time plans get canceled, invites get lost in the mail, and conversations get interrupted or don't happen at all. The majority of people have used this word the same as me. Even the most famous people in the world have felt it. I'm not sure if that's encouraging, but, it does help not feel alone. Sometimes, I struggle with panic attacks, and my trigger is abandonment (or things that feel that way). One night right before Thanksgiving I could not stop crying. I felt as though I was losing a friend of mine, and in the end, no matter how much I tried to prepare for that loss, I was devastated. We haven't spoken for nearly a year now. Isn't it crazy how someone you talk to daily, can become a stranger in a split second? How family ties get broken over silly conversations and the course of your life can change overnight. In this story, it was my fault. So, what do you do when it's your fault? What if you're the reason you feel invisible? First, you have to accept that you made the mistake with no excuses attached. It's a lot easier typed than done, believe me. See, no matter your reason, you don't get to tell someone how to feel once your actions make an impact on them. That night when I knew I had done all I could to tell the person the truth, I had to accept that because I waited to express it, there was no changing how it was hurting them. It hurt to admit that I handled the situation so wrongly. It hurt even worse to accept that because of that, the person didn't want to come back into my life. Owning that was one of the most isolated times in my life. How do you grieve someone who is living? I still don't have a direct answer to that. People change people, whether for better or worse. All actions have reactions, and with blurry communication, actions can cause consequential reactions. I use this analogy a lot: Think of your actions as a rock thrown in a lake. Now if you turn and don't see the ripples, does that mean they didn't happen? No, they still happen and they change the flow of the entire water surface and things beneath it. The same goes for us, even when we try to run from our actions affecting people, it doesn't change the fact they are. Daily, through every minute and interaction, you are impacting another life including your own. This can be scary and overwhelming. It was for me that night. I was grieving the loss of a friend while trying to accept and forgive myself all at once. Needless to say, I was a mess, but I was a mess I made. When I had calmed down I grabbed my phone and opened TikTok (as we all do) and the first video was about this saying El Roi. It means in Hebrew: The God who sees and in that moment I wanted nothing more than to be seen. I wanted to be seen past the mistake I had made. I wanted to be seen as human and that being enough, mistakes and all. I wanted to be seen for my kindness and my intentions, yet none of that was happening. Or was it? See, at that moment I began to remember that God is omnipresent, meaning that when I was stumbling over my words and trying to amend the wound I'd made He was with me. He saw me at a low and stayed with me throughout the entire process. He was with me as I cried walking back home. He was with me when I crumbled on the floor with my panic attack. He saw me. He sees me and He loves me despite all my worst moments (believe me there have been some bad moments). In that time in my life this belief, while it has changed, really helped me ground myself. I got this tattoo in Destin Florida about 4 months after I had my panic attack and lost that friend. I got it placed on the back of my arm so even though I cannot see it, I know it's there, I know He is there, seeing and guarding my back. One of my favorite things about this tattoo is the questions people ask me about it. I love getting to use a time in my life to help people know they are seen and valued despite their hurts.

Now views of faith for me have changed over time. I don't hold as tightly to it being my identity but rather a piece of my makeup. Nowadays I let my faith speak in how I treat people more than how often I talk about it. I think whichever avenue people choose to believe it all comes down to a safe space to be able to process life as it moves. For some that looks like no faith, for others, it's nothing but faith. Remember to allow space for both in your life and allow yourself to grow in whichever direction. You are not less than if you choose to change how you believe. I struggled with that for a while as I adjusted my faith in my own life.

Life can be hard and losing people we wanted in our lives forever can be even harder. Don't be scared to feel it. Remind yourself you are allowed mistakes (this has obvious limits), and should have friends who despite their anger can remember that you are human. Find those people and hold on tight. You may not always agree or get along, but when you remember to see people outside of their mistakes it allows grace and forgiveness and new boundaries that can help everyone move forward. In that though, remember that negative actions still have consequences and sometimes the consequence is losing people and learning to grow and change toxic habits that you have. To wrap up I'll say this: Sometimes you are simply going to be the villain. The bad person. The one who made the mistake. The one who changed everything. It's okay. It's part of being human, I promise. Moving forward though, if you take the necessary steps to grow and make amends as best you can with the people you hurt, hold your head up high and know that how they move after that is not your fault.

Be confident in the forgiveness you have shown yourself in healing and mending your bad habits. Remember that these moments are helping to shape you, take the time to embrace them and when necessary take the time to let them go. Live freely. I am proud of you. I see you. Remember you are meant 2B here and you meant 2B happy. xo, Bella Grace

(unedited) p.s NEW EPISODE SO SOON!