The Come Back

Click box below for a song while you read:

NF - Runnin'

You are a failure. It's a fact, but it doesn't have to be an identity.

I have a hard time accepting I can be anything other than what I don't accomplish. I've struggled with this ever since I was in middle school. That's why I have taken so long to come back to this site and this passion. I started to drown in self-doubt, self-hatred and I was overwhelmed by the possibility of failure. This turned into my identity for months even though I was actively succeeding in so many parts of my life. The mind is a funny place, its constantly you vs. you, there is no one else in control of how long words stay in your mind or unforgiveness in your heart. Some people may start to blame others for those things, but the fact remains, its your brain, your decisions. You are the only one in control there are no if, ands, or buts about it. You decide what thoughts get to stay, what words stick and what habits form in the aftermath. I'm not saying people aren't brutal, or life doesn't throw curveballs at 100 mph. Those things remain true. I'm saying, you have to acknowledge the power you hold in those circumstances. Think of your life/brain as a car. We spend a lot of time mentally in the passenger seat of our lives. It's easier to blame others for your self-doubt, or your short comings. It's easier to blame an absent parent for the relationship problems you have 12 years later. Its easier to blame the bully for your insecurities. It's easier to blame the teacher for a hard test rather than acknowledge you didn't study. Right?...I sure thought so.

However, in the past 8 months I've eased into the driver seat of my life. I took a long look at the road I was driving on, and analyzed what blame I had in the driver seat. I took accountability for my bitterness, unforgiveness, self-righteousness, avoidance and insecurities.

I went to therapy. I cried, a lot.

I lost people who I thought I'd have in my life longer, but I also pushed people out of my life. This was brutal to admit to myself even more to my therapist (Bless her.)

Suddenly I was having extremely uncomfortable conversations, and I had to put my car in park to check on the warning lights I'd ignored. I genuinely had to look at what I was running on because it sure wasn't gasoline.

Was it insecurity? Was it ego? Was it loneliness?

Take a moment and ask yourself what your car is running on. Who is in your driver seat?

I'm not here to sell you on a quick fix, there is no such thing when it comes to self-growth. It's uncomfortable, it's challenging, and you will probably have to do it multiple times in your life. Thankfully that's normal. In fact, if you only did it once, I'd be concerned.

Now before you come for my neck, understand that yes, there is a place for blame in growth. People sometimes suck. You sometimes suck. Life throws curves and check-engine lights all the time. The issue in blame, begins when you stop looking at it. I'm not saying you are wrong in avoiding it, but you can't heal a wound you don't look at. (Example: You can't put a band-aid on a wound you don't see. No seriously you'd miss the wound all together.)

The saying runs true - hurt people, hurt people right? So how do we heal? You have to face yourself. Face your blame and where you've put it in your life or maybe where you haven't put it. Sure, a bully's effect on your self-esteem is real, but does it have to be the cause of all your insecurities 5 years later? Or, are you using it as a crutch because it's hard to admit you simply don't fully love yourself yet? Like I said, tough conversations. For me, I had to face my loneliness. I put a lot of blame on other people for not shooting me a text or making plans. I've felt outcast my entire life because I changed schools so often. I never had a group to call home, or a person. This leads me to putting expectations I have of myself onto others, and they can't meet an expectation they don't know exist. They shouldn't have too. I grew out of this by acknowledging when I became bitter towards someone because of it. After that I took responsibility for that bitterness and countered it with communication instead of blame. My hope for you, is that you begin to acknowledge yourself. Sure, you aren't always perfect, and you are still going to cast blame on others your entire life. However, it doesn't have to end there. You have the power to take the driver seat. You can begin to take responsibility for the blame you put on yourself and others. Somedays you will be your best ally and others your own worst enemy. Show yourself grace, healing is a long process.

Remember: You are not your failure. You are not your break-up. You are not your doubt. You do not have to stay where you are. You are allowed to change. You are allowed to out grow people. You are allowed to change habits. You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to be sad. You are allowed to be yourself. You are allowed to be sober. You are allowed to send that text. You are allowed to change your style. You are allowed to end that relationship. You are allowed to ask questions. You are allowed all of it.

However there are core things to remember: You are beautiful. You are handsome. You are unique. You are on a custom journey of life, and while sometimes life hits hard, know you have the power to hit back harder. Your identity is not what or who others say you are. Create your own identity, then change it, and fall in love with all the beautiful moments those identities offer you in this life. I am so proud of you. Thank you for existing, I'm so glad you are here. You are meant 2B here, and you meant 2B happy. I'll see you on the next episode xoxo Bella Grace.

P.S I've started a song recommendation page under exclusive content. Check it out :)