The Chaos

Picture this, an empty living room, a girl sitting on a white futon talking into a silver apple computer resting on her new table from hobby lobby. Her eyes are red and puffy but her voice is cheerful, masking the pain on her heart. That was me recording this episode. I was a broken girl, trying to give healed advice. Confusing right? Heck, I started the episode laughing about one of the most devastating things that had ever happened to me (crazy)- my break up from the person I could have sworn I was going to marry. It sounds overdramatic but it was my first break-up...ever! I say in the episode that I flew through the stages of a break up in an afternoon, but that's a lie. Instead from April to July of 2021 I truly strayed from faith, friends and even family. I let people into my life who were never meant to be there and I used the "Lords healing" as a facade to hide my deep rooted pain. Oh and don't even try to talk to me about love, I was full on believing it didn't exist anymore. Thankfully a few weeks out from recording this episode the Lord truly did pull me into Himself and allow me to weep and mourn the loss of love. He helped me confront my abandonment issues. He helped me challenge my faith. He helped me feel worth love again. Now the journey didn't end there, and since those weeks I've continued to grow but at the time of this episode I was barely scratching the surface of all He had in store. Around the middle of the episode I talk about how when you are out of church you can find God in a lot more than when you are in church. Some people disagree, which is fine but let me explain what I meant. When I struggle in life I go to nature, because it reminds me that chaotic growth happens all around me, so when it's happening to me or in me I feel a sense of comfort. I get to look at the leaves falling in the wind and know that God specifically designed their landing place. So if He designed theirs, He for sure designed mine! I get to fall freely into a designated growing spot and so do you! How cool! Now sure, being in church and reading scripture helped me come to that conclusion, but I was only able to apply it outside of church and inside my own chaotic life. I'm a firm believer that God grows you when you are least ready for it, when your schedule is crazy and you haven't been to church in months, Gods teaching you some of the most important lessons of your life. He taught me in my months away that I'm allowed to be angry in my chaos. I'm allowed to feel emotions and cry for no reason. I'm allowed to not know how to worship in my pain, and I'm even allowed to not worship. I think for me, being away from the church building after my break-up helped me be my authentic self with God, the raw and bitter version that usually hides in the church pew behind a smiling face and an "I'm good!" I got to find faith in God, then He helped me find faith in my uncertain circumstances. This may not be everyone experience, and I'm no expert on the road to healing, mine was all over the place and to be frank, still is! However, those were my thoughts when recording this episode. Thanks for reading, and listening. Remember you are meant 2B here and meant 2B happy! Updates from the random thoughts at the end of this episode: I did get my gauche from Europe by the way, and I LOVE IT. Gus is doing well, he's still the calmest cat I've ever met. The cat on my walk I named Tiger, I haven't seen him/her in MONTHS

The frat bro's now have lawn care and it's actually really nice, flowers and everything. The turtle mug I talked about is now gone, have no clue where it is.

I am so excited to JetSki this summer! The Brick is absolute fire and if I wasn't broke I'd eat there everyday still.